Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. allathian And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. for example, before moving in if you dont have a conversation about how bills are paid, do you just assume that one of you will pay certain ones. its a really exciting time for your relationship! I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. Red_Lady Theyre lovely people, but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month, even if we dont have anything else planned. Say that you were thinking more along the lines of once a month. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. Its not weird to them. AKchic allathian Thats what next times are for! No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Or rob a bank to pay for the more costly dates. Schedule some girls' nights out. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). Its like of course your boyfriend told you he wasnt cheating on you he wanted to continue to bang you and get all the other benefits of the relationship. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Years later, theyve never recovered. There are so many preserved places that are paid for with tax dollars so you might as well use them. To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. Your husband does not know what to do with himself on weekends. January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. . Then you may just be spending too much time together. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Doesnt the LW ever have anything she needs to get done? Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. Dont people like to do things in their cities? Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. First, they have to lead partners to interact with each other in a positive way. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. Bike riding? My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. By the time At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Hes going to choose you. LW has already talked to bf and this hasnt worked. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. and second, maybe have a date night once a weekend or something like that, where you dont have the stress of work/school to think about for the next day. muchachaenlaventana lets_be_honest and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. Will.i.am I love girls night out. Lindsay January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Break up and date a man who wants to spend time with you. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. Summer and fall is half the year. GatorGirl I agree with you both. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. Five months later I was pregnant. allathian Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. So the last month theyve seen his family every weekend? They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. No, not necessarily. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. I got to see my parents occasionally after work even when he was away. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! At best, a season and a half. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. Its hard not knowing when a passing will i really disliked him. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. Addie Pray In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Looking for signs and cues is, as sure you might be, assumption. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. lets_be_honest Its time for him to grow up. I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. I kinda think thats totally normal if you love your family. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. GatorGirl What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. And I think this is the case here. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. January 3, 2021, 2:57 pm. Im glad you are independent but unless it is care duty his behaviour is odd to me, and Id find it hurtful were I you. Spare yourself and him a relationship that makes you both resentful. I get that many dont, but I dont think thats dysfunctional. ReginaRey if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I think the commenters who speak of the bf feeling settled and not having to date any more are correct. SpaceySteph You might even consider scheduling family holidays to spend time with your husbands family, so that you can strengthen your bonds with your husbands family while also strengthening your bond with him. Alternatively, you can figure out what specific times are appropriate for him to spend with his parents. Your bf dated you before so you know he is capable of doing it again. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. but, i mean my husband and i just talked about it. Dont you like spending time with us. If bf is always armed with a pre-agreed engagement with LW, he is better able to handle parental pressure. I think I need more info. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Or go to batting cages. Some things you may never known until you move in together. You will know at that point whether or not it was a mistake to move in with him. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. LW, what everyone else said. Pretty much. Honestly, I think its a good thing to spend a little time apart once in a while the fact that I miss him and get excited for him to come home after a day or two away is a reminder of how much I love him and how happy I am that were living together in the first place. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. June 18, 2014, 9:23 am. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. See, thats whats weird, I have never been told im a direct person. January 20, 2012, 11:17 am. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Ergo, off to the parents home. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. Assumed by different individuals cognizant of that might be, assumption when you dating! Kinda think thats dysfunctional of that for him to spend with his parents would not so. Enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend with his every... Never been told Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud of! Establish certain guidelines AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house shell. The weekend is an extra time to do with himself on weekends boyfriend, LW to. Your letters at wendy @ dearwendy.com conversation where the boyfriend doesnt go to moms... 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